I am a single mom of two school aged kids. I am rather meticulous about the type of men I have around them, as any single mom should be.
The very few I have had them around did not stick around long. One was basically an undercover verbal abuser (not to them of course!) and the other was sloppy in trying to cover up his divorce…which there was never a divorce in the first place.
Needless to say, they did not stick around long at all.
My continuous poor choices in guys got me to thinking about myself and what is it that I am doing so wrong? To the point the shit started depressing me.
I was really at a lost! I didn’t behave like a slut, I didn’t dress trashy, I didn’t come off needy, I listened to what they had to say, I was interested in listening about their lives and such, I did nothing that would give them an impression to the point I would stop hearing from them.
It almost made me kinda sad. I started thinking my hirsutism was that bad and convinced myself this is the way it’s just going to be for me.
I truly thought at near 30 years old, I would have been married. The reality of it is is that I can barely keep anyone interested.
Then, after having a chat with a gentleman friend of mine, 20 years my senior, it dawned on me that I know what I am looking for, but I am prematurely compromising even before getting serious.
I was mentally making excuses for their bullshit early on!!!
Let me explain….going back to s0-called divorced boy. After I found out about his non-existing divorce, I was pretty pissed and told him to lose the number and address. He did….couple weeks later he’s all apologetic and shit. He admitted he was still married and that his marriage may take some time to dissolve. Didn’t want it to affect his Naval officer job or his kids lives. Like an idiot, I forgave him….temporarily. Then I got to thinking a few weeks after that….”Why am I compromising with this fool? I look just as bad waiting for this guy to dissolve his marriage, which might not even happen. I wonder what she would say or if she knows he wants to leave her? Why am I COMPROMISING with this nonsense?” Shortly, after I met someone one, told him, he got ass hurt about it…and the rest is history!
Abusive boy. Taught me alot about finances and such..saving for a house and ins and outs of investing. Smart as hell, I must admit. But abusive. This guy was half black, half Hispanic and would proclaim over and over how he hates black people, they are all ignorant and know nothing about politics. HUH? Trust me when I say I cussed his ass out and kicked him out of my home. He apologized later and explained how his rotten ex-girlfriends, who were Black, were all ditzes. I said any color woman can be a ditz and don’t EVER categorize YOUR OWN KIND based on sloppy ass women YOU dated! That type of attitude once I found out went no where with me fast. Why would I want to COMPROMISE that nonsense?! Sad thing is this dude has two pretty little black girls he is raising like me. He has been blocked on my phone and Facebook for almost 2 years…
You may be compromising too much too soon, like I was…even to yourself. So I made up a list of things NOT to compromise as a single mom while dating:
- Your sanity. If he driving you batty with his stale ass personality or demanding ways on date number two, seek other options.
- Your children. That’s a fucking gimme.
- Your job. If he makes mention of you in any type of way, shape, form, or fashion of not having a professional life and you want one, let’em go.
- His marriage. Seriously?! I don’t give a damn how unhappy his wife makes him. Let his punk ass cry to his momma, not YOU!
- His divorce. If it ain’t been at least a year since his previous marriage, hang it up. Ain’t nothing cute about being a rebound piece of ass because likely he ain’t trying to get booed up…not seriously. Needless to say his feelings for you may very well be shorted lived. He may be a cool guy, but nothing to take too serious.
- His family. If he explains how he has not seen his kids in 6 months or is not close with his family, (he may try to apply that same attitude with you and your close knit family), that should be a warning sign. If not, he needs to explain himself big time. Unless his kids live on the other side of the planet there is no excuse not being more active in your kids. I can think of VERY, VERY few justified excuses.
- Your happiness.
If you are looking for someone who has their mess in line RIGHT NOW, don’t settle for less.
Period. That is why you stay lost in love. Don’t settle. EVER. You want permanency, not just someone “to do.”
And plus it’s only fair. Yes, you have a single family, but you are a productive member of society, paying bills, caring for your family, trying to have a little fun in life too. Why should he be anything else? I am not saying he needs to have a house on the hill with a Benz in the drive way, but he does need to have what you have: Stability.
If you don’t bring drama of any kind to the table, he shouldn’t either. If you work full time, so should he. If you have a degree, him having one would be nice.
These are not stuck up, booshie, bitchy, tight ass standards either. Notice I didn’t mention nothing about looks right?! He doesn’t have to be God’s gift to mankind and you shouldn’t want him to be! Imagine all the bitches you would have to fight off!
I hate to say it but pay attention to the little things….ya know….the things he takes for granted because HE doesn’t think there are a big deal. If it makes your Spider senses tingle, make a mental note and be ready resume your nearest exit. Life is too short to be trying to figure out companions who simply are not for you!
That may be why you cannot keep them interested in you because they know your expectations are something they cannot commit to, so let them be.
Maintain your reasonable standards and ever expect or settle for less. And certainly, don’t ever fight with yourself about compromising bullshit. Ever.