The Lovely and “Abnormal” Mulan! Courtesy of disgeek.com
I think “normal” women have no idea what it is like to be real abnormal.
I love that most people look at our condition as a simple flaw. But it is quite damaging how us hirsute girls look at ourselves.
We hate our faces and our bodies. The constant hair growth. The shave…the regrowth….the tweeze…the regrowth…the depilatory…the regrowth…
Some of us are so scared of ourselves, we hide. I know I did.
I started having it when I was in middle school. I hid so much that by the time I emerged from my Bat Cave, I was damn near 30 years old.
Over a decade, I hid in shame and hurt. Questioning over and over “Why me? Why not the pretty girls who sleep around and bully people and cause so much turmoil in high school….they don’t deserve the good life they got. Why can’t they suffer from something like this?! Why me!?”
I hid because of what men would think about me…that no one would truly ever accept the whole me. That’s why I went through so much work to get rid of the hair. To the point, I did even more damage to my skin.
I blamed everything on my hirsutism. Even as a mature 30 year old, I cannot help but to wonder why I have not married yet? Are men that scared of my condition?
Why can’t I just be like every other woman? I don’t want to be the prettiest girl. I just wanted to be a normal girl. I just wanted to meet someone that would try to understand my condition and not judge me over something I simply cannot control.
I feel for the young girls who cannot seem to understand their hirsutism. My heart weighs the heaviest for them. I was that girl that gave up SOOOO MUCH in my youth. I would not even go to parties or hang out with friends because I was so embarrassed by my excessive hair growth.
I stopped hanging out with friends because of what they would think about me. And I just started to isolate myself.
That behavior simply stuck with me all the way into adulthood. I found myself with very, very few friends and not much of a social life because I emotionally abused my brain and heart into thinking I was not worthy and/or normal enough for a regular life.
Most of the men in my life only stuck around for a short time. Even the father of my kids; I sit back and realized there was never any true love there, besides the fact we made two kids together.
And while I am much more mature now and I don’t allow hirsutism to keep me from having a life, I look back on those years and get disappointed with myself. Disappointed because I never cared enough in the right manner to tackle my problem.
I only cared in the sense of feeling sorry for myself and convincing myself that was lower than a woman because I did not look like a typical woman.
I am not the typical woman….
I am not the typical woman….
I am not the typical woman?….Do I want to be?
Maybe…I am DESIGNED NOT to be typical….
Maybe…I am designed to be…who knows…extraordinary…?
Maybe I was never intended to be amongst the “normal” women. Maybe I was designed to be flawed in the way I am so I could help build up women’s self esteem issues. Hirsutism can be damaging to a young person’s life, especially if they have no manner in how to manage it. I lived that for 15 years.
And if that is the case, I will take my abnormality in stride!
I know of no other woman, like me, in my position, with the type of desire I have to help other women.
I know of no other woman, like me, in my position, who knows what it is like to hate yourself and not even know why!
I know of no other woman, like me, in my position, who knows what it is like to have a thicker beard than her boyfriend.
I know of no other woman…
I am not proud to have this condition. Hell no! The thought that I could pass this shit down to my children, my DAUGHTERS, breaks my entire heart!
But I am happy to understand my condition and how it works, why it happens and how to manage it. I believe this will give me the upper hand at handling my kid’s hormonal conditions if they have any. (God bless them with normal skin!!)
And I know, truly and unconditionally know, that I am still beautiful. I partake in photoshoots because I am beautiful and I enjoy sharing beauty. It’s my beauty. I do not think I am the most beautiful but after spending 15 years not feeling beautiful, I feel like I am at my most beautiful in my life!
And I think there is nothing wrong with my refined confidence that I have been without for so long. And I am not a damn bit sorry about it.
And you should not be either!
Find what makes you feel beautiful and you will start believing it, as will others around you.
Being flawed may make you different from other “normal” women but as quoted in one of my favorite animated films of all time:
“The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all.” – The Disney film, Mulan